Trying to move forward in you life from rape or sexual assault comes with many obstacles, most of which is stepping out of your new comfort zone, which is now so much more limited. In this blog, Id like to focus on one many of us victims struggle with, and thats intimacy after such an ordeal.
First of all its important to remember one thing,
Rape isnt sex. Its a violent act using sex as a weapon
It doesnt matter whether while reading this your single or in a relationship, this issue will still be at a focal point in your mind.
I was in a relationship when it happened to me, and im still in that same relationship now with a normal, happy sex life.
Where to start?
My advise may not help everybody, but it helped me and hopefully that may pass to others so that they become more at ease.
Back to basics I say, if you cant even look at yourself in the mirror or be able to self indulge, your sexual relations will suffer. Take some time on your own, explore again and remind yourself what makes you feel good, what presses those buttons. Be comfortable in your own skin when your alone, If this is soemthing you are really suffering from, ie self confidence or body image issues, there is help available, whether it be therapy, or even a new hobbie that can boost confidence like self defence, or just simply going to the gym. Exercise is the best natural remedy for hightening those endorphins.
Explain to your partner what your comfortable with and what is a no go. Doing this will bring you closer together as a couple, and allow your partner to understand you better and also to reassure them that it isnt personal.
patience is essential for both of you, its easy to get frustrated if things dont click instantly. Its a process for both of you. your partner will more than likely be scared of upsetting you, and more cautious of what he does or says.
Dont give up, you can have a loving sexual relationship again after something like this.
I cannot stress enough, to make sure your 100% happy with what happens, dont ever think you have to keep quiet about what may feel comfortable or not.
After nearly 2 years, my relationship in the bedroom, if anything is even better than before, because i have the knowledge at how sex can be abused, and how important it is to have real closeness and intimacy. neither of us take sex for granted anymore, we always make sure that love is the main ingredient everytime. And, hes also the person i trust the most.
Trust has got to be there between you both 100%.
It is hard to not have sex as a trigger for meltdowns, but with the right attitude, the desire to move forward with your partner, and the confidence, an amazing sex life can be acheived once again.
My relationship is at its peak, with everything we have been through, the hard times and the good, that man has been by my side every step of the way, and has supported me in overcoming so many obstacles, whether that be panic attacks, to holding me after a nightmare, or in the bedroom.
Its important to remind yourself the great things about love making. The closeness, the intimacy, the way your OH body feels next to your, the smell of your partner and most of all, the love you have between you that create the fireworks.
If your no way near the point of recapturing the intimate moments, may i advise to spare time for date nights, moments together, to rekindle, because as much as we try not to let it, a relationship becomes strained when something like this happens, but if you work together, you can reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
love you all