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F.R.I.E.N.D.S

So, When i was attacked, although I reported the crime, the only people who knew was a select few, the ones who were involved with police questioning..my partner obviously being my main support. But i didnt tell anyone else.. until…
My two best friends, who are the sisters I CHOSE.. were my shoulders to cry on when i eventually opened up. I honestly dont know where i would be without these ladies, and throughout this whole journey, havent had near enough recognition. because they are secondary victims in this. Just like my OH and my family, these two are also my rock! 

They never doubted me. Never questioned my word, and have not only nursed me through my breakdown, but have also been incredibly supportive of my strength up to now.

But.. with this deep love for my girlies, also comes anxiety. One of them, Jenny, lives in Germany, and i havent seen her for 18months! And the other, Leah, leaves for Cyprus for 2 years in a months time.. 

Now i know with todays technology, its so easy to stay in touch and even though we may not speak everyday, we can pick up where we left of so easily and naturally.. But God im dreading for the latter of the two to go.. 

Ive so much support round me honestly, im spoilt for it. But the thought of not being able to cuddle them or have their beautiful faces right infront of me scares the crap out of me! 

Albeit im gonna have 2 years of awesome holibobs.. winter hols in Germany and summer in Cyprus.. the inbetween times when you just wanna pop round in your jammies with wine.. sad times! 
But… wherever we all are in the world, our bonds will never be broken! 

Im a lucky woman.. amazing kids, fandabby family, gorgeous man…and my Deutschland Goddess and my Irish Charm! 

I love you all xx 

PTSD..

so, ive not really hit the subject of my PTSD, figured it was about time i did..

what is PTSD? 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!

Its not just for war heros… 

anyone can suffer with it, anyone whos suffered any type of trauma. In my case.. Rape.

flashbacks for me are the worst part, anything can trigger them off. smells, even of someone says “are you ok?” in the same tone as ‘him’, can take me back to that life changing moment.

Its very frustrating to not have control over how your mind deals with things. the rational side of me knows i am safe, and that i had my closure. but the ‘protective’ part of my brain is still in turbo preventing anything happening to me… hand in hand with anxiety, which everyone has to a degree.. its that feeling you have when you step out on the road and see a car coming too fast.. yout mind turbos and tells you to move. thats anxiety or fear.. its what saves us. we need it as a species to exist.. so how so you try and re train yout mind to have the right balance… 

i still swear by CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) it really does rewire the brain. and although im still not 100%, i know ive made massive progress, considering i used to have panic attacks in shops! 
please feel free to share any anxiety/ptsd issues, coping techniques, or advise xx 

rape on tv? 

recently, the topic of rape has been portrayed on british tv dramas.. ive asked many people in the support group i admin what they think of this..

many, as you can imagine, are highly triggered by them. but despite this, we are glad its a focus on such a taboo subject. 

hollyoaks, emmerdale, eastenders, and even corrie have seen recent storylines being told from different circumstances. from sex slavery grooming, to marital rape, all are brilliant eye openers. 

i completely support writers zoning in on these, for victims themselves who may be living in silence, my hope is for it ti encourage them to at least seek support anonymously. but also, to victims friends and families, they may answer alot of questions that they may feel awkward to personally ask us. 

what are your views? are there any storylines you think havent been portrayed collectly?

x

awareness…

so, it was brought to my attention today that i havent blogged for a while..nice to know my blog doesnt go unnoticed, so thanks Cheryl 😚
so.. wow, alot has happened, and more importantly, alot is still to happen. so where do i start?

phoenix wings cause is going from strength to strength.. we have alot more members on the group now, and we are raising some serious awareness, most recently, we did an online auction, raising £60 for rape crisis england and wales. The children’s books were kindly donated by an amazing man! mr richard dodd, a fantastic author! and also… my editor and publisher of the book i am currently writing! yes! I am writing a book! fistpump!!
phoenix wings cause now has its own email address, Instagram, and twitter page.. details of these are on our Facebook page, or easily found by searching “phoenix wings cause”

good things are happening.. and i wont stop until everyone knows all about our cause!! 

phoenixwingscause@gmail.com
rise from the ashes…

speaking out..

over the last few months since the trial and, i will add, the prosecution of my attacker, I’ve been working hard to raise awareness on so many platforms.. 

twitter, Facebook profile, phoenix wings cause, pick me up magazine, leicester mercury, and sun online! 

Twitter
phoenix wings cause
facebook

but now.. im heading to national TV! yep.. im going to be on jeremy kyle show.. raising awareness and advise to anyone out there that think their alone.. the services that are available to you ARE there..whether thats your GP, family, or a confidential support group on facebook..that i along with a few others admin so please, if you require support please get in touch! 
i will break the taboo..

my aim is to help people stand up and say “i was raped! im not ashamed! and im still here!” 

triggers..

i thought id got past triggers.. seems i was wrong. i suppose i was naive to think that once the trial was over with, and my attacker behind bars, all calm would be restored.. wrong! 

UKs soap dramas are full of triggers right now.. but i refuse to keep away from them. awareness is being raised..and isnt that what we all fight for?! 

one moment im fine..the next.. in deel thought and replayin that fateful night over and over.

my nightmares have returned, i have no idea why.. 

but.. all i know, is how thankful i am. thankful of the support, the trial outcome and for still breathing. there were plenty of times i was ready to give up..

but hey.. what kind of example would that be for my daughters…

time..

ive not blogged for a while, so the subject of this one has been debated over and over in my mind.. what can i just reappear to talk about after all this time.. then it hit me. time. thats it!
so the cliche time heals.. may sound cheesy but it really does! but… healing takes hard work aswel as time…

when my trial was over, and my attacker was sentenced, someone said to me

“oh gosh.. it felt like it was going to go on forever..!”

i never forget my response..

“that time between reporting and trial starting, i needed that. i needed it to start fixing my life, because i knew, once the trial was over, life goes on.”

“if i didnt have that time, i wouldnt of been strong enough to face court at all”

16 months ago i was attacked… and in that 16 months i have acheived so much.. and theres more to come..

my story may of started 16 months ago.. but im only just beginning. my time isnt through yet!