mending..

with everything that’s going on now since the trial, it’s all been very positive. I’m fundraising for the survivors trust. I’m admin in a brilliant support group fundraising or victims. my attacker has been named and shamed. I’m putting together a new fresh campaign video, and my relationship is better than brilliant!…

but

I was still raped. I still feel that complete violation. betrayal. disappointment. I still have them flashbacks and nightmares. albeit not as often but their still there. I’ve worked so hard to be the strong person I beleive I am, but I’ve come to realise, that that will never go away. I’ll always have that dark part inside me. I’ll forever be bitter and unforgiving. I don’t even want to forgive. I never will. 

I stood in front of the mirror tonight and just looked at myself for a few minutes. here’s what I saw..

I’m loosing weight (always a bonus) 

I have nice clothes 

I have colour in my cheeks

I’m loving my hair colour right now (till I get bored again)

then I get to the eyes.. I always used to find myself catching my eyes in again mirror.. even when driving in my rear view. I’ve always liked my eyes. sparkly. green. twinkle there… 

not anymore. I look into my eyes again and see so much pain still. it’s true the eyes are the windows to the soul… 

I think I’ve accepted that this dark shadow will always be there. even if it’s stupidly subtle.. and I think I’m OK with that. because even though if I could turn the clock back I’d do things differently.. I’m bloody proud of the person I’ve become at the end of the hardest longest journey I’ve ever endured. 

it’s all about keeping positive. and making the best out of a bad situation. 

I hope this helps some of you.. whatever stage your at.. there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

stars need darkness to shine

thanks for reading my babble 

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3 thoughts on “mending..

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