Laying in the dark..

You know when your just laid there.. In the TV. No noise. Just you and black empty space.. What do you think about? My mind races at 100mph.right now I could literally list the things going on in my head right now..

Do I need a cigarette?

Really should of washed my makeup off

I’ve got so much weight to loose

Really could do with a hug with my man

Why am I aching all over

I’m one day closer to the trial

How am I going to cope having to watch back my interview?

Will Jay be there watching it too? 

How will he react to the details?

What if he doesn’t believe me after watching it.

Will my rapist get found guilty?

How long will he get in jail for section 1 rape..?

Will I receive threats from his family afterwards?

Should I give permission to be named in the media?

Really should take this makeup off…

Definatly going to have that cigarette now..

Will I ever start to move on passed all this?

Will my partner feel resentment towards me if I carry on raising awareness post trial… 

Will I ever fully heal?

When will the nightmares stop…
See… How your mind can run away with you. See all them worries… How many of them can I ACTUALLY do something about… Not many of them.

Panic and anxiety 

My therapist today told me that anxiety and panic is biological.. And that when we have panic attacks, our breathing changes.. We are taking in oxygen, but not getting rid of enough carbon dioxide..we start to breath from our chests instead of from our stomachs.. So steadying the breathing if one of the best ways to put a stop to these attacks.. Meditating (breathing exercises) could help, or exercise. Walking or even the gym.

Anxiety is a vicious cycle. Once you have an attack. You avoid being in the situation that caused it.. Your brain tells you that the physical symptoms are that of a panic attack..thus starting one off.. If your hands get sweaty.. Maybe your just hot? 

She also said, no one has ever said that exercise didn’t relieve some stress.. Its a natural endorfin.

You are stronger than you think…

Breath easy everyone. Sleep well. Goodnight from me. Xx


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