anxiety…leave me alone!

why does anxiety have to play a part in my emotional torment, amongst other things.

I honestly believe i could cope with everything else easier if it wasnt for that horrid monster in my head that makes a normal situation so unbearable!

I had a call from the police today with the definitive date for the trial this month. it’s not far away and yet i still have to endure the pre court visit to “familiarise” myself with the building AND ill have to watch back my videoed interview…that part im reading. im not that person anymore… im not the mess that couldn’t put a sentence together without freaking out and crying.

i feel like its going to put me back to square one and ill lose it all over again. and yet, the last few days ive felt great. now i feel on edge, alone and angry ive been forced to go through the worst year of my life..

whats it going to be like in that court room? i have special measures which include a screen up between myself and the public gallery, AND the defendant.

defendant…. sounds innocent doesn’t it? the RAPIST!

what if he shouts out something while im in there on the stand? what if his girlfriend does? ive not dealt with negativity from anyone yet. everyone’s believed me, even the police say they 100% believe me… so to possibly face abuse..i dont know if im ready for that to be honest. ive shown how strong i am, shown how supportive i can be for others in a similar situation, but what if i cant practice what i preach. what if i crumble…

what if i cant do this?

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